Agoraphobic Mom lives in a cocoon of motherhood. She will not come to see you; you have to visit her. They are the Mommy Princess, in self-imposed exile from their former world. Their life revolves around the home. Most Agoraphobic Moms have fancy play equipment installed in their back yards, thus deeming a simple trip to the playground unnecessary. One Agoraphobic Mom put her three week old baby into her car for an outing to the supermarket. The baby screamed for the duration of the five minute drive and so she vowed never to put her in the car again. And two years later, she still hasn’t. Agoraphobic Mom is usually very successful in making other Moms feel that they must be doing something wrong by subjecting their kids to the dangers of the outside world. They object to public playgrounds because their child can catch germs from the play equipment. Other children might cough or sneeze and pass on a cold or flu. They don’t mind their children playing in the dirt in their own backyards, but they would never let their kids play in the dirt in public; they are true believers of the urban myth about neighbourhood cats peeing in the playground sand in the still of the night.
Abduction Mom is paranoid to the point of lunacy that her little darling will be kidnapped. She forces her child to wear a harness; not to safeguard against him running into the traffic, but in the event a stranger might suddenly snatch him from under her gaze. She also checks her child several times a night to make sure he has not been stolen in the night. Her paranoia is fed via her obsession with newspapers…she scans the papers for stories about kidnapping and while other mothers might cover their refrigerator door with photos of their children, Abduction mum sticks up clippings of kid snatchings as a reminder that her fears are some other mothers’ reality. But there is hope; some Abduction moms lighten up to the extent that they use harnesses disguised as teddy bears so that other kids don’t ask ‘Why is that kid on a dog lead?’
Cotton Wool Mom is worse than the Helicopter. Not only does she hover around her children she would wrap them in cotton wool – if she could. They are not allowed to cross the road without her – not even when the lollypop man is standing there as the quintessential road warrior/guardian. The kids cannot walk just two houses down the street to retrieve a missing football for fear of them falling, being abducted or swooped by a rogue magpie from surrounding gumtrees. No! They cannot watch any television beyond 6.30pm for fear of advertisements targetting adults. What if a tampon ad appears and the kids ask ‘What the hell is that thing?” One Cotton Wool Mom friend of mine was horrified when I told her my children walk unsupervised for five minutes up the street to buy themselves a soft drink from the local store. Not only was she shocked about the unassisted stroll in the ‘burbs, she lectured me about letting them have a soft drink (okay, I know it’s not health food but everything in moderation, right?)
Home School Mom has one rule – school is an unnecessary evil and the only person who is equipped to teach your children properly is YOU! Not only does this mom teach her kids everything from geography to arithmetic, she has a problem letting go of her kids, even if they beg, ‘Please mum, let me go to school. I want to play with other kids!” Home School Mom loves to tell people that she is a teacher, even though she’s had no training. There’s no need to let her kids interact with other children. Home school kids can happily mingle with other kids at the supermarket and the park. Plus, once a week there is an arranged play date with other home school kids, so they can socialise with their own kind. Shouldn’t they socialise with kids who aren’t so secluded from society? No way! They might learn bad language or unnecessary life skills from kids that are shoved into the evil school system.
Tracy D is the Mean Mom. She’s always shouting at her kids. In fact, they’re terrified of her. She won’t let them have friends over to play because she’s worried they’ll make a mess of her house. If her child hears a word that he has never heard of, such as ‘chaos,’ she will refuse to tell them what it means. “That’s what a dictionary is for,” she yells. “I am not a dictionary!” She is also mean to other moms. Tracy D went to a mothers group where she spotted a mother of newborn twins, who was struggling to calm them down. “Wow, you look really stressed out. What’s your problem? I’ve got plenty of friends with twins and they say its easy peasey. Clearly you’re not cut out to be a mother.”
She also likes to make women who had c-sections feel bad, “You didn’t give birth, a doctor did it for you,” she says. Most moms only ever invite Tracy B to their home once. If she’s invited a second time it’s only because the victim has thought of a good come-back to her nastiness, such as, “If I didnt have a c-section, my child would not have been born alive.” But here’s the raw truth: nobody dislikes Mean Mom as much as Mean Mom.
Social Network Mom is at it again. She’s miffed her little darling missed out on an invitation to the ‘party of the year’ – the 5th birthday party of Joshua T, whose mother is a small time actress on a local soap opera. So, feeling the rage, she took to Facebook and Twitter, posting updates about how heartbroken her little darling is that he did not receive the golden ticket.
Truth be known, the kid had no idea the invites were being handed out all around him, nor did he really care. It’s all about the mommies. As of midnight last night, Social Network Mom was tweeting “What sort of woman deliberately excludes an austistic child from a birthday party? Karma is a bitch.” We can’t wait to check her Facebook page tomorrow.
Cold Blaming Mom was on the warpath today. See, three days ago she hosted mother’s group at her place and now her little darling has a runny nose. Who gave her the cold? She is determined to track down the appalling excuse of a mother who dared to bring her kid to her home, knowing he/she had a cold, or was at least on the verge of a snotty nose. She phoned all four women, grilling them about the state of their child’s health. “Does – or DID – Bianca have a cold when you came to my place last week?” All women denied bringing a cold-laden kid into Cold Blaming Mom’s inner sanctuary. “No, of course not. She’s perfectly healthy. And, if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t DREAM of bringing her over in case she spread her germs to your little darling.” So, all the women denied being responsible but Cold Blaming Mom is not an idiot. She suspects the offending mother was Mary-Lou. Why? Because, when she was being interrogated, she said, “Besides, you could be standing in the supermarket queue and the person in front of you might be infected and all he has to do is sneeze and you’ve caught his lurgy. Maybe that’s how your little darling caught her cold. It was not MY little darling.” Yes, motherhood has reached a new low.
We couldn’t conceal our amazement at the park today when we spotted the sparkling clean playground equipment. Perhaps the cleaning fairies had visited overnight and ridden the park of the unsightly graffiti, discarded baby wipes, lost lollypops, used bubble gum and deflated soccer balls. But then we noticed Germ Phobic Mom with a bottle of disinfectant and a towel – giving the slide and swings a good rub down. I’ll never forget visiting her in hospital when she’d given birth to baby number 3 and, before she’d let me touch her newborn, she made me wash my hands with disinfectant, even though I told her I’d just washed my hands. “No way! You probably used soap. Soap is not good enough!” she screeched, pushing a bottle of Clean-aid in my hands. Interestingly, when her kids get sick, they seem to be sick for a very long time. They’ve been in and out of hospital more times than I care to count, which is one reason she has nurtured a friendship with ER Mom as they’re always bumping into each other at the triage station in Emergency. But when I suggest that maybe she needs to start exposing her kids to some ‘good germs’ so they build up immunity, she looks at me with horror. “There’s no such thing as a good germ!”
Nanny Mom was so busy shopping for new light fittings for the Rose Bay mansion, she left her tribe with Helga. Or was it Gunta? She fires those European nannies over the smallest thing. The last one was ordered to leave the house because she ‘stole’ a cookie from the pantry and left a wet beach towel on the bathroom floor for two days. Nanny Mom needs to ask the nanny what the kids are ‘into’ these days; from food to games, toys and books. Many of these moms do not work. They need a nanny to help with the housework, take kids to and from school, make their lunches and baby-sit the toddler so mom can go to the gym. It’s almost a status symbol. Yet, it isn’t. Most Nanny Moms go out of their way to employ a plain, frumpy nanny so the husband doesn’t find her appealing. One Nanny Mom claims she put locks on the bathroom door when her husband kept ‘accidentally’ walking in on the nanny when she was in the shower.The offspring of Nanny Moms are usually very well behaved…for the nanny. But when the mother resumes duties, they tend to play up, leaving the mother to appreciate her nanny all the more. This often results in a pay rise that will last until Helga gets homesick for Berlin; or until she’s poached by another unscrupulous Nanny Mom. One Nanny Mom discovered a pair of black lacy underpants in the basket of her toddler’s stroller. Apparently the nanny took the toddler with her on visits to her boyfriend’s apartment where the child was put in front of a Doctor Who DVD whilst Nanny and her lover were busy in the bedroom
Wikipedia Mom is a walking encyclopaedia on everything: fertility, triplets, breastfeeding, raising twins…you name it, she will have an answer for everything. You won’t ever need a baby book when you have Wikipedia Mom as a friend. In the school playground today, I witnessed Wiki Mom lecturing the mother of a dyslexic child about what she should be doing to fix her kid’s problems. First, she needs to read the book “The Woman Who Changed Her Brain” about a woman’s struggle with dyslexia that she managed to overcome and achieve her dreams. Of course, Wikipedia Mom is not speaking from experience. She does not have a dyslexic child. But what she doesn’t know about dyslexia isn’t worth knowing. Beware: never get her involved in a conversation about whether women should breastfeed beyond the toddler years. Yes, Wikipedia Mom never breastfed her children (it just ‘wasn’t me’, she said) but she knows everything about it. You will never need a dictionary when you befriend Wikipedia Mom. Ask her about everything, she will have the answer!